Autographed Junk Instructions
Congratulations! Stalking a band for their autograph is often the first step into a larger world, one which could lead you to the more advanced hobbies of killing cats, driving a panel van, and keeping a stack of torsos in your basement! Just follow these simple directions and you’ll be on your way down the same path David "Son of Sam" Berkowitz took when he got his first Leif Garrett autograph.
If you live in the United States Of America:
1. Write us a note requesting an autograph, preferably in your own blood or with letters cut out of a magazine in classic ransom note style.
2. Place your note, along with an 8 1/2 x 11 self addressed stamped envelope and a small personal item in another envelope.
3. Address the envelope to the address listed to the right.
4. Affix the appropriate postage to the envelope.
5. Drop the letter in the mail.
6. On your way home, pick up a copy of "The Catcher in the Rye."
If you live anywhere other than the United States Of America:
1. Go to the Post Office and threaten the clerk until he gives you three American dollars worth of International Postal coupons.
2. Clearly write your name, address, country and a note such as "Send me your autographs before I eat your children."
3. Put your note and Postal Coupons in an envelope addressed to the P.O. Box to the right.
4. Affix the appropriate postage.
5. Deposit the letter in the mail.
6. Go home and do whatever the neighbor's dog tells you to.